Fear

I've been scared before.

I know the feeling of panic. I can identify with the pit in your stomach and the adrenaline rush.

But this month, fear has taken on a whole new meaning.

I've never physically trembled from fear before. Since January 12th, I haven't been able to stop. My heart pounds. My joints and nerves quiver. I can't keep my hands still.

It was 5am this morning. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't. My mind was wide awake. I laid still and tried to force myself to believe that the earth was still, even though I could feel it moving in my mind.

Close to 6am, I heard my bedside table start to creak. The mattress under me vibrated and was soon shaking like a massage table. I knew this time that my mind was not playing tricks on me. So I waited. I tried to breathe deep. I hoped for it to pass, but it only got worse.

Soon, I could hear the things on my walls falling, and immediately all of the fear from the first quake came flooding back. In a split second decision, I ran for my life, just as I had done last Tuesday. I didn't stop to look in the mirror to fix my hair or splash water on my face. I didn't bother to move my laptop from the table. I didn't change my clothes or put on any shoes. There was no time. Fear gripped me and I simply ran.

By the time I reached the steps down to the porch, the tremor had decreased significantly. All of us were outside in our pyjamas. Disoriented, Afraid, Shaking, Reliving the trauma of the first shake.

I can't explain the relief that is felt when the earth finally becomes still again, and yet not knowing when or how severe the next shock will be is extremely disheartening.

And yet, we must move forward.

Slowly we returned to our homes. Picked up the pieces. Continued on with our morning routine. It's all we could do.

Questions still flood my mind.

When will the next tremor hit? What other damage will it cause? What if it hits more severely? What if the guesthouse can't take it? What if someone gets hurt?

From there my thoughts drift to the village of Sourcematelas that I saw yesterday. The cracked walls and broken beams. Though these homes still stand, it will take little more than a minor force to push them down. Families set up shelters out of sticks and bedsheets in the same yard as these disasters waiting to happen. I fear for all of the fathers, mothers and children who are in harms way. I pray that the Lord will protect them.

We are still moving forward. I almost had a full classroom this morning, and the teams are still arriving, while other medical groups are going out to Port-au-Prince. The aftershocks aren't enough to paralyze our bodies, however they are slowly dismantling our peace and well being.

Please pray for all of us here in Haiti, that the aftershocks would subside. That people would not be endangered and that the Lord would protect each precious life in this country. Pray for the buildings that they will remain standing and that the Lord would guard our hearts from despair.

May He bring ultimate peace through His promise in Isaiah 43:

This is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior