I'm sure a lot of you who keep up with my regular Saturday morning blogs have been wondering what's been going on with me lately... I'm a little embarrassed for my lack of communication, but to be honest, I've been at a loss for words. Everything feels foggy.
I never thought that it would be like this. The last couple of months I've spent in Haiti have been really fulfilling. I didn't think I'd have too much trouble accepting a further commitment to teach another year if that is what the Lord was calling me to, but recently these notions of confidence have been absent. I feel like I've had to re-evaluate this decision all over again.
Over the last week, the Lord has been teaching about what I'm really here for. I've realized that I've developed a lot of twisted ideas about my calling here in Haiti, and I've been hit with the fact that a lot of it has to do with my pride.
This past summer before I left for Haiti, I wrote a blog about a verse from 1 Thessalonians that really spoke to me. A verse that emphasized the Lord's faithfulness in what He calls us to and how He will do it. I committed this verse to the Lord on both the level of dependence and letting go of my pride, and it's become a verse I've fallen back on a lot during my months in Haiti. And yet, I feel like I've been swept back up in the lies.... Lies about of having it all figured out. About how this year shows just how much of a strong, solid Christian I am, and how I've 'arrived'.
But I've been wrong.
The Lord didn't call me to serve in Haiti so that I could be proud about what I've done. He called me here to accomplish His work as He lives in me.
It's not about me.
It's all about Him.
And more than that, part of being here to do His work is working alongside others, not comparing or judging to show how much better I am.
The kingdom is all about unity in Jesus.
We are all part of a body. Each part has a function.
Just like each person has a story.
Each person has a different past which defines who they are and what they are called to do. Each person has a uniqueness that makes them who they are. It's how we reach other people. It's a diversity that God intended. He created it.
We need diversity just like we need each other.
I can't do it alone.
No one can.
And I'm not just talking about people in Haiti, it's being united with brothers and sisters all over the world working with a common purpose - To glorify the Lord. Just like a body, no part is needed more or has more value than any other.
Somewhere along this road I bought the lie that my role in Haiti is more important that than my role in Wainfleet. That I needed to go beyond Ontario and do something 'extreme' to really glorify Him. And so when thinking about my decision about next year, I didn't really feel like I had an option to say no. I felt like in a way I would be failing myself, failing others, failing God to step out of this place. After all, to follow God, I needed to do something radical, right? But lately, He has been teaching me that each one of us plays a key part in furthering His kingdom, which doesn't mean everybody has to pack their bags and go to Africa (or Haiti). He's been teaching me that no matter what I do or where I go, He will use me.
It's like a Nooma video that I watched once... One line of the clip still rings in my ears when my heavenly Father says: There is nothing you can do that will make me love you less. God's love is so beyond what I can fathom and there's nothing I can do to change it.
Lately, I have been focussed on EARNING God's love. Satan has been deceiving me and feeding me lies about what I'm here for. But the truth is, God's love isn't on a measuring scale. I need to stop thinking about where I stand in terms of His love or the glory I receive for being here, and focus on the blessings that await me, right here, right now. Blessings that come from being unified with others to further His kingdom.
This has been a lot to process, but I've been learning a valuable lesson. Wherever life takes me, whether I stay in Haiti for another year, another 5 years, or a lifetime, or whether I come back home and start supply teaching, or another door opens and I end up moving to a place unknown to me at this moment, whatever happens in the future, the Lord is with me and I need to let go of what I'M doing and open myself up to what HE is doing through me.
As I embrace the hope of working alongside brothers and sisters in unity and following His call on my life, no matter how glorified, I am in His sweet spot. As long as I keep my eyes focussed on Him and listen for His voice, He will guide me and He will do it.
So now I'm back to the fence. Back to where it all began. I'm starting over. I'm not thinking about expectations. I'm no longer focussed on doing it on my own. I'm trying to look at the bigger picture and wait on the Lord for peace.
I want to take a moment to thank all of you so much for the e-mails and messages you've been sending my way lately about how I am being prayed for and supported during this time.
I'm so grateful and amazed at the Lord's goodness to me during this time of decision-making. I sometimes wish that the Lord would just send me a message in the clouds. Like a simple yes or no. It would make this part so much easier. And yet I think He is up to something much greater than I anticipated - a chance for me to be humbled, and to catch a glimpse of to how vast His love really is, no matter what I decide.
So I guess that brings me to the end of the blog, and I'm still waiting. I'm still feeling an unrest in my heart about the options, so I'm not going anywhere. And I'm in no hurry. I'm simply waiting on the Lord. I'm confident that He will bring me a peace, and in the meantime, He's refining me. He will give me an answer. And when that answer comes, I will be ready.