This morning was rough.
Actually, the start of this whole week has been rough as I've tried to emotionally prepare myself for today's goodbye. The month of Canadian teams is over and I don't really know where to pick up from.
I think the weirdest part is that I never thought it would be this hard. I knew saying goodbye to Broc wouldn't be easy, but I never thought I would feel such a loss to see the bus drive away. I've think the reason it's been so difficult for me is because it's the first time I've really been able to tangibly connect Haiti with home. It's the two parts of my heart, and for the first time, they have been joined together, making it a pretty sweet combination. But now a piece is missing, and it hurts a lot.
When I arrived in Haiti back in September, I had to start from scratch because I had no family connection. I had to establish this life all on my own and it was hard at first, but it was starting to become like a home. Then I went back to my other 'home' for Christmas and since the day I returned back to Haiti, I've been surrounded by Canadians and friends of family, or people that actually have heard of Wainfleet (that's a pretty big deal over here!), and it's brought such a sense of love and family. Especially when Broc came, these two weeks have been so full of joy. It took me a few days to adjust to him actually being here and it not just being a dream, but since then it clicked, and now I don't really know how to go back to how things were. It's lonely here without the team, and this month has really made me aware of how much I miss you all.
But I have to begin again right? I can't dwell in this state of loss and sadness. I have to move on, I have to pick myself up and count the blessings that I do have. It's not going to be easy, but I'm trusting the Lord to bring along fresh joys in this new chapter.
Reading in the Psalms this week, I was encouraged by the verse in chapter 142, which says 'I pour out my problems to Him, I tell him all my troubles. When I am afraid, You Lord, know the way out'.
I'm feeling pretty afraid right now. My problems are all around and I don't really know where to start, but this verse promises that I can have the courage to press on because my Jesus knows the way out. Even though I can't see what's ahead I believe He has not abandoned me.
49 Canadians just left Haiti, but Jesus didn't. He's still here. I find hope in that.