Friday, June 6, 2008

Caught in the Middle

Here I go again! :)
It's been another wild past couple of weeks... The Lord has blessed me with a great job this summer working at my dad's car business! Even though it's not technically in my career field, I've really enjoyed working with my parents and brother so far this summer... Picking up vehicles, running into town for parts, licensing, cleaning cars and weekly trips to the auction keep me stepping, but has also allowed for me to get some sweet hours (yes, they are very good to me! wink wink!) AND it's given me more time to spend with my family. I love it! But combining that with tutoring in the evenings, and planning for my move in September has made me quite busy!
Looking ahead to my last few months in Ontario, my mind also continues to be filled with thoughts about what is to come and what needs to be done in order for me to get there.
These days I feel like I'm caught in between two very different mindsets... Holding on and letting go...
I'm holding on to what I have and what I know. My family, my friends, my home, my car, my jobs, my life... It's all here. It's all I really need. And I love it.... Maybe a little too much. I've been looking ahead to the goodbye in a few months and I don't even know where to begin... It seems impossible. As a familiar song goes- How do you say goodbye to everything you've ever known? How do you let go of all that you've ever had?- I am so attached to this place because it's become a part of me... it's all I have ever known. It's who I am.
But at the same time, there is a new page turning... A fresh beginning, full of unknowns, full of firsts, full of new challenge, full of new joy. And I know it's time. I feel so compelled to go... To be what I have aspired to be for so long... And to turn my faith into action. After all, the boat wasn't made for the harbor. It's time that I go beyond what I think I am capable of, or what's 'safe' and allow the Lord to take me where I have never been before. It's time.
And yet it seems like every time I lean more towards one side, the other side is pulling me back. For instance, last night at youth we had the last TNL of the season. It was full of laughs and good talks and love and I left feeling a sense of loss because in my mind I know that it's the last TNL that I'll be at for a very long time. The youth, the worship, the crazy games, everything... I just have such a sense of belonging in that place, and to think it's the last time... It's hard to get my mind around.
But all of this to say that I get home from youth, and there is a message in my inbox from the van der Marks, telling me all the latest details about sending the crate to the mission, and plans about bringing my stuff to them, and my stomach flip flops... In a good way. There is so much excitement and joy in these days ahead. It's so awesome because the Lord is totally orchestrating everything and confirming this in my heart. I know without a doubt it's where He wants me and there is such joy in that. Knowing it's His will makes me confident to say that there is nothing else I'd rather be doing than be going to Haiti. It's where He has called me... It's the sweet spot!
So, it's a weird kind of balancing act going on in my heart to say the least... I appreciate your prayers in this!
But as I've been writing tonight, I have also been reminded about the few things I don't have to leave behind. First of all, I have my memories... Beautiful blessed memories! I organized a lot of photo albums on my computer a few days ago that I plan to take along with me when I leave, and I feel so thankful for the wonderful years I have had in Wainfleet. No matter what lies ahead, I will always have these wonderful memories to cherish and hold onto. And the Lord has promised more blessings ahead as I follow Him, so I know there are more memories to come! The second thing I am happy I won't have to leave behind is the sky. I know it sounds a little funny, but that is a big deal for me. You see, I have quite a love for the sky... There is just something about the way that the sunlight reflects off of the clouds on a summer day, or the way the colors blend to darkness in a sunset, or the way the sun dispels light into the world at dawn... I can't get enough of it! It's something about the sky that reminds me of my Creator... The Maker of the universe paints a picture for us, His children, every day and not one is the same. It's amazing! There is such beauty, glory, majesty and power that is reflected in the sky, and I connect with it... I look forward to seeing the sunset over the Carribean Sea in Haiti, which I have been told is quite breathtaking! You will be sure to see lots of pictures! ;)
Finally, I have hope knowing that my Jesus is always going to be right here beside me. No matter where I go or what I do or who I become, He promises to never leave or forsake me and that is such a comfort when every other security I know is being broken off. Even though everything else may change, I have peace knowing that the One who knows me, loves me, protects me, and guides me is with me every step. Every high and every low. He is faithful. He is unchanging. And He's got me.
I thank you for journeying through these days with me, even though I haven't 'officially' made my blog public! :) I know these are valuable lessons that I am processing and I want to remember them in the days to come. After all, this is only the beginning...

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