Plans...

The countdown is on!!! I have less than 2 weeks to go now, and each day that gets closer I encounter a flurry of emotions. Thankfully, above all of the anticipation and anxiety I have such a peace that passes all understanding... The Lord has definitely given me this peace and I am so grateful! I know a lot of you have been praying for me in this area and I really appreciate it. I also thank you for keeping this in mind as the time leads up to my departure. It's not going to be easy to say goodbye to you all, but I trust that the peace I have deep in my heart will ease the pain.

As I've been gearing up to go lately, I've been thinking a lot about life plans. Deeper hopes that I have in mind for the future, that may not seem so realistic anymore, at least not for now. And I have realized that I have to let a lot of these plans go... I love to be a few steps ahead and anticipate what's next and dream... One dream in particular I share with my best friends Darcie and Vicki. We often get talking about having our own little apartment someday with stylish decor and hosting dinner parties together. We even buy each other gifts on special occasions to go in our future apartment! Just thinking about it makes me smile. I have other dreams too - dreams to travel, dreams to get married, dreams to buy a convertible... I guess some are more realistic than others! ;) 

But this commitment I've made to teach in Haiti turns a new page. The plans and hopes that I dream about here in Ontario must be put on hold, and only the Lord knows for how long. And this gives me an unsettled feeling in my stomach... I'm not in control. I often catch myself worrying about what will become of these plans... What if they never happen? Should I stop dreaming?

I feel like the Lord has been working on me in this area lately... My constant desire to be ten steps ahead doesn't seem as worthwhile (or possible) anymore. I just have to live one day at a time. The truth is, I have no idea what is going to become of me, or my dreams... 

I read a quote from my new friend Rachel (who directs the orphanage programs at the Mission of Hope), and it gives me a fresh perspective:

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
- Henry David Thoreau

No doubt, it scares me to think that these hopes of apartments and cars and travels and marriage may not come to pass, at least not in my timing. And yet, I am compelled to trust and step to the drummer that I hear, even when everything around me is pushing in the opposite direction. And it's like I'm in a tug of war, giving up my plans and then tugging them back again... It's so hard to let go, but it's the only way. Because if I play it safe, or live to please my dreams here and now, I will never be truly fulfilled. No matter what temporary joy comes from these dreams, it will never compare to the joy that I will experience when I am in the sweet spot. And as I pursue the will of my Father and delight myself in His presence, I claim the promise that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). My true desires. 

I've realized how nice and easy it would seem to be to travel along with the current, but how soon would my life become stagnant and complacent. If I stay in this place in order to secure and control my future plans, my life will die. I have to keep stretching myself and pressing on in order to stay real and alive. 

So who knows what will happen? Who can say what is to come tomorrow, next week - month - year? But for now, I pray that I may live for today. Live for the simple gifts of love and friendship and family... It's these moments that I miss while I am worrying about what's next. 

With this in mind, I choose to trust and believe that as the Lord takes me on this journey, He will provide what I need in His perfect timing... Thank you Jesus that you know the plans that you have for me and that they are for good and not for disaster... Your plans are to give me a hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). Help me to trust you with my plans.

He Will Do It.

The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it.

1 Thessalonians 5:24

I read this verse for the first time yesterday, and I took a moment to ponder it because it really struck a chord with what the Lord has been teaching me over the past weeks. It creates mixed feelings within me, both relief and resistance. 

Relief is probably easy for you to figure out... It brings me unexplainable peace to know that my Jesus has called me and is going to be with me every step on this journey, and HE will do it all... Even when my never-ending to do list seems impossible, and my weaknesses are too numerous to count, I can trust in this promise. HE WILL DO IT. Praise the Lord!

Now, on the other side of the coin, let me explain me resistance:

I had expectations of God teaching me some important lessons this summer. Lessons about trust and peace and contentment... but that has only been the tip of the iceberg - It turns out that the Lord has had much greater refinement in mind for me before I go. While reading Mere Christianity (by C.S. Lewis) a few weeks ago, there were a lot of things I felt the Lord speaking very clearly to me about... Things like - dare I say it... my pride.

I began to realize how much I credit my own 'goodness' to myself. I think to myself, I am a nice girl... I don't do 'bad' things... I am a good Christian... People should be like me. But while reading C.S. Lewis' perspective about 'niceness', I understand that I cannot take the credit of my own temperament or actions - no matter how admirable I think I am. In addition to this, I cannot judge other people for behaving differently than me. God has graciously given me immeasurable blessings that I do not deserve, and how I use those gifts do not make me better or more loved than anyone else. 

This has been a HUGE thing for me because it's so easy for me to glorify myself for the way I live. And yet I wasn't created to do good for my own satisfaction, I was created to give glory to my Maker.

It is NOT about me.

As C.S. Lewis writes: There is nothing that I can give Him that isn't His already. 

Let me just write that again for my own benefit... There is NOTHING that I can give Him that isn't His already.

That has been a massive idea for me to wrap my mind around lately, and believe me, I haven't even gotten close to the mark, but as I've said before, it's a process... It's the only way that I can live as He intended, so I don't have much of a choice but to give myself up.

So getting back to that verse... Yes, it does bring resistance because I want to be called by God, but I want to do it and then - can I be totally honest for a minute? - When it's all said and done, I want the glory, I want the credit, I want people to look at me and say - "Wow... Look at Diana! Look at what she did in Haiti with those kids... She is so wonderful for leaving her home and serving. We should all want to be like her."

I know it's so utterly selfish and awful... it's pathetic. I am disgusted with my pride! And I desperately need to break free of it. I know I will never become what the Lord made me to be as long as I hold onto glorifying myself. And really, what good is it to do something for someone else when the only reason I'm doing it is to make myself look good... How much more pointless can you get?

So that's what I've been processing lately... I am sharing it with you so that you can pray for me. I thank the Lord for exposing this area in my heart, even though it's painful, and I pray over these upcoming weeks that the Lord would remind me that 'it's not about me'... That I would have opportunities to practice humility, understanding the strength of the Lord only as I lay myself aside. 

It's easy to get discouraged about all of this, because I was just starting to nail down the whole trust thing, and then this pride issue comes up, but I am reminded about a promise - He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. I am trusting that even as I take one step forward and two steps back, the Lord would continue to mold me and make me more like Him.

And above all, that I would glorify Him - not me - in every aspect of my life.

Dust

Reality is setting in... This Haiti trip is actually going to happen!

Since my last post, there have been many steps forward toward my move at the end of the summer. Firstly, I met with Rachel Montgomery, who has been serving at the Mission of Hope for the past 3 years in the Hope House (orphanage). She was home for a month and it was such a blessing to get together with her. She has such a passion and excitement for everything happening at the mission, and her enthusiasm is contagious! I am so thankful for her already and know that we will become great friends during my time in Haiti.

The next big thing that took place was the accumulation and shipment of my first load of furniture/school supplies/etc. to the Mission of Hope. A few Sundays ago, we traveled as a family to the van der Mark's home in Carlisle to drop off the load. It is our hope that everything will be there when I arrive in a number of weeks! And I have a cool story about our trip... The evening we drove to the van der Marks, we began to see thick dark clouds in the sky toward the direction we were heading, and I began to prepare myself for all of my stuff getting drenched in the open trunk bed behind us. But amazingly, we just kept driving and we remained dry. Even though we headed directly into the storm, the Lord sheltered us. With His blessing, we made it all the way to the van der Mark's house and unpacked all of my materials without getting wet!!! When we arrived in Carlisle the roads were soaked and Laurens and Cheryl said that the rain had stopped only minutes before we arrived... and less than half an hour later when everything had been loaded into the garage, the rain started again. It was quite evident to all of us that the Lord was on our side! Isn't that awesome!?

Since then, it's been another eventful past couple of weeks. The Lord has surprised me with many opportunities to go beyond an ordinary summer life of working a 9-5 job and serve and grow and make wonderful memories with the ones I love. It's been the best summer I've ever had... And it's not over yet! I just got back from a week counseling at Camp Kahquah, and it was a week of giving and serving, but it was wonderful. If you have ever been to camp in Magnetawan, Ontario, you know what I am talking about. It is such a gorgeous setting and the past week of camping with all of the kids was a beautiful taste of what God is doing at camp. I was blessed by the staff and the way that they so selflessly gave of themselves up for the kids... that love made a serious impact. It was awesome to be a part of it! It was also a blast to go up the same week as by brother, Broc. We ended up being on the same team squad and with the energy of our kids behind us, we managed to be pretty much undefeated in the camp-wide challenges... Just one of the highlights of the weekend! :) Over the week, Broc and I were able to lean on each other and I was reminded of just how lucky I am to have a brother like him. 

Finally, I want to end this blog by expanding on the title of this post... Dust. I just finished reading Rob Bell's book - Velvet Elvis, and a particular part of the book really spoke to me. Rob was discussing how during the days when Jesus walked the earth, young followers would give their lives to become like reputable Rabbi's and would train to be like them and gain wisdom from them with the hopes of someday carrying on their message after they died. After following their leaders around on the sandy trails day after day, it was common for them to be covered in the dust of their Rabbi.

This symbol of dedication and closeness really spoke to me and sparked a real desire in my heart to be like those followers so many years ago. My desire is to be covered in the dust of Jesus. I want to follow Him wherever He goes, learn from His teaching, live His message, and at the end of the day, it is my hope that I will be covered in His dust. Evidence that I've journeyed with Jesus.

Thank you for your prayers surrounding my school-year planning and packing. And praise the Lord for all He is doing and will do as we cover ourselves in His dust.

Psalm 23

I love to read. Especially over these last few years I have really connected with a few Christian authors that challenge my 'religious' opinions and remind me of how shallow my thinking can be. And yet I've noticed recently how easy it is for me to put these biblical scholars on a pedestal and hang onto their every word. However, I was reminded by a very wise friend that despite the wonderful Christian literature out there, nothing can ever compare to God's word, the Bible. Again, I remember that the bible is the actual LIVING word of God... Something that is moving, active and real, and when compared with the latest top selling Christian author, they fall short every time. After all, the bible has been BREATHED by God. He ordained it, so no matter who reads it, when they read it or where they read it, it is still completely relevant and meaningful. That's why I love it so much. There is always something beyond the surface, something more to be learned. You just can never get enough! With this thought in mind, I have really strived to put the bible at the top of my reading list. And I have also become more enthralled with additional books that are scripturally-based. I connect with authors who back up their challenges on words straight from the bible, as well as those who break apart the scriptures word by word, and shed light on the context and deeper meanings.
Which brings me to the purpose of tonight's blog... Just recently I heard a verse from the 23rd Psalm that resonated deeply in my heart based on some insecurities I was facing. It left me with a hunger to tap into the deeper meanings of the passage. Not long after that did the Lord lead me to the book, 'Traveling Light' by Max Lucado, which breaks apart the 23rd Psalm into promises surrounding the burdens we carry through life. Could it be more perfect!? Each chapter centers around a different piece of luggage we pick up as we travel on this earth, and Max uses Psalm 23 to remind us of the hope we have in the Lord. After reading each chapter, I took time to write down my own translation of the verse and what the Lord was saying to me through each promise.
Now that the book is finished and my chapter is complete, I would like to share my translation of Psalm 23 with you. Feel free to get out your bible and read along verse by verse with me...

PSALM 23

Yahweh is the great I AM. Unchanging. Uncaused. Ungoverned.
I am defenseless and dirty, in need of grace, protection and love.
What I have in my Father is greater than what I do not have in my life.
He leads me and invites me to rest in His finished work.
He isn't behind me yelling "Go!", He is ahead of me bidding "Come", and He tells what I need to know, and gives what I need to have when the time comes.
In times of trouble, He doesn't give me hope by changing the problem, He restores my hope by giving me Himself.
He leads me up the narrow path of righteousness, where a steep winding hill leads to the cross and at the bottom I leave all of my sin and guilt.
He leads and blesses me in abundance not for my own recognition, but for His glory.
I am His, and follow Him to the top of the mountain by way of the valley. Even then, I never walk alone.
Because He is good, I keep my eyes fixed on Him, and I am given all of the strength and endurance that I need.
In the times when I am lost and lonely, it is then that He reminds me that He is near and He loves me with a perfect love. Love that can only come from Him.
He prepares breakfast for me and when I drink from His cup of forgiveness, my sin and shame are washed away.
He heals me of every disappointment.
He gives me more grace and hope than I could ever ask for or deserve.
His goodness and mercy pursue me every day.
And this world is not my 'forever' home. The best is yet to come.

Wow. How awesome is that!?
You can bet that I will be returning to this blog in the weeks and months ahead when I start picking up my burdens of loneliness, homesickness and worry, and I encourage you to do the same. It's the promises of my Jesus that keep me holding onto hope!

Caught in the Middle

Here I go again! :)
It's been another wild past couple of weeks... The Lord has blessed me with a great job this summer working at my dad's car business! Even though it's not technically in my career field, I've really enjoyed working with my parents and brother so far this summer... Picking up vehicles, running into town for parts, licensing, cleaning cars and weekly trips to the auction keep me stepping, but has also allowed for me to get some sweet hours (yes, they are very good to me! wink wink!) AND it's given me more time to spend with my family. I love it! But combining that with tutoring in the evenings, and planning for my move in September has made me quite busy!
Looking ahead to my last few months in Ontario, my mind also continues to be filled with thoughts about what is to come and what needs to be done in order for me to get there.
These days I feel like I'm caught in between two very different mindsets... Holding on and letting go...
I'm holding on to what I have and what I know. My family, my friends, my home, my car, my jobs, my life... It's all here. It's all I really need. And I love it.... Maybe a little too much. I've been looking ahead to the goodbye in a few months and I don't even know where to begin... It seems impossible. As a familiar song goes- How do you say goodbye to everything you've ever known? How do you let go of all that you've ever had?- I am so attached to this place because it's become a part of me... it's all I have ever known. It's who I am.
But at the same time, there is a new page turning... A fresh beginning, full of unknowns, full of firsts, full of new challenge, full of new joy. And I know it's time. I feel so compelled to go... To be what I have aspired to be for so long... And to turn my faith into action. After all, the boat wasn't made for the harbor. It's time that I go beyond what I think I am capable of, or what's 'safe' and allow the Lord to take me where I have never been before. It's time.
And yet it seems like every time I lean more towards one side, the other side is pulling me back. For instance, last night at youth we had the last TNL of the season. It was full of laughs and good talks and love and I left feeling a sense of loss because in my mind I know that it's the last TNL that I'll be at for a very long time. The youth, the worship, the crazy games, everything... I just have such a sense of belonging in that place, and to think it's the last time... It's hard to get my mind around.
But all of this to say that I get home from youth, and there is a message in my inbox from the van der Marks, telling me all the latest details about sending the crate to the mission, and plans about bringing my stuff to them, and my stomach flip flops... In a good way. There is so much excitement and joy in these days ahead. It's so awesome because the Lord is totally orchestrating everything and confirming this in my heart. I know without a doubt it's where He wants me and there is such joy in that. Knowing it's His will makes me confident to say that there is nothing else I'd rather be doing than be going to Haiti. It's where He has called me... It's the sweet spot!
So, it's a weird kind of balancing act going on in my heart to say the least... I appreciate your prayers in this!
But as I've been writing tonight, I have also been reminded about the few things I don't have to leave behind. First of all, I have my memories... Beautiful blessed memories! I organized a lot of photo albums on my computer a few days ago that I plan to take along with me when I leave, and I feel so thankful for the wonderful years I have had in Wainfleet. No matter what lies ahead, I will always have these wonderful memories to cherish and hold onto. And the Lord has promised more blessings ahead as I follow Him, so I know there are more memories to come! The second thing I am happy I won't have to leave behind is the sky. I know it sounds a little funny, but that is a big deal for me. You see, I have quite a love for the sky... There is just something about the way that the sunlight reflects off of the clouds on a summer day, or the way the colors blend to darkness in a sunset, or the way the sun dispels light into the world at dawn... I can't get enough of it! It's something about the sky that reminds me of my Creator... The Maker of the universe paints a picture for us, His children, every day and not one is the same. It's amazing! There is such beauty, glory, majesty and power that is reflected in the sky, and I connect with it... I look forward to seeing the sunset over the Carribean Sea in Haiti, which I have been told is quite breathtaking! You will be sure to see lots of pictures! ;)
Finally, I have hope knowing that my Jesus is always going to be right here beside me. No matter where I go or what I do or who I become, He promises to never leave or forsake me and that is such a comfort when every other security I know is being broken off. Even though everything else may change, I have peace knowing that the One who knows me, loves me, protects me, and guides me is with me every step. Every high and every low. He is faithful. He is unchanging. And He's got me.
I thank you for journeying through these days with me, even though I haven't 'officially' made my blog public! :) I know these are valuable lessons that I am processing and I want to remember them in the days to come. After all, this is only the beginning...